Cinda @ Oprah

This is an exert of a  transcript of a 30 minute “Special” on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Title: “Oprah Special – Cindaf*ckingingrella”

OWN Network, all rights reserved

…

Applause, enter Oprah who waves, smiles and hugs people on her way to the little platform where she takes a seat in a sofa.

O: “Anybody who is anybody is reading her blog and following her on Twitter and Facebook and I have to say, I have rarely been more pleased to announce a guest! Today, on my show, I am going to introduce you to a woman, who has caused quite a stir in the blogosphere –  she made me laugh and she made me cry! Please give a warm welcome (Oprah rises) to (now yelling) Ciiiiiiinnnddddddaaaaaa!”

Audience applaud. Wildly.

Music. Enter: Cinda, who waves, smiles and “highfives” people on her way to the little platform where she is greeted by Oprah’s warm embrace. They hug for a really long time. When they finally let go, it is obvious that Oprah would like to hug some more. They sit.

O: “Welcome, welcome.”

C: “Thank you, thank you!”

O: “How are you doing?”

C: “Well… (Laughs) I’m pretty excited to be here… I mean, my God, you are such an icon! Thanks for having me, Oprah!

O: “Well, how could I not? You making all of this shit up and writing whatever the fuck you want! Actually, you should be careful I don’t sue your ass…”

C: “That’s true! Now that we’ve established that this is all a perverted daydream, can we get back to it?!”

O: “Yes mam! So Cinda… SO many people, who know that I know you, ask me this: Why does she call herself Cindafuckingrella? Why the name?”

C: “Well, it is interesting – I get some VERY different reactions from men versus women when I tell them that my bloggername is Cindafuckingrella. Men usually give a sly smile and look at my tits because they think it is something to do with actual FUCKING… And women instantly get it and light up in a big smile and say: ‘What a cool name!’. I guess women who watched ‘Pretty Woman’ remember that scene and men who watched that movie are still struggling to strap on a pair of balls and do whatever they can to try to forget that they were ever first-date-pussy-whipped into watching  an almost 2-hour long glorification of prostitution.”

O: “Hahaha. But why do you insist on writing in English? You’re a 37 -year old, Danish woman living an incredibly boring life in Suburbia – and you English isn’t even that great?

C: “Now, Oprah, you’re getting a bit catty  – let’s try that again, shall we?”

O: “But why do you insist on writing in English? You’re a young, vibrant Danish woman with an unparalleled senses of humor and an always surprising twist on things, living in what has been voted the coolest town on earth several times – Copenhagen – and although your English is flawless and brilliant – wouldn’t it be easier to write in Danish?

C: “I wanted to write in English because I want an international audience. Billions of people read English. Only… say..  5 million people read Danish”.

O: “So.. You’re going for a fanbase of BILLIONS?”

C: “Well, yes, and I am well on my way. At present time I have 123 fans on Facebook and that number is climbing by the.. well, month. I HAD 123 fans and then after Obama endorsed gay marriage, I wrote: “I guess the White House will be receiving a lot of fruit baskets today” and then someone unliked me but then someone else like me.”

O: “O… Kay??”

C: “Yes, well, its not like I am obsessing about the exact number of fans or anything. I’m not, I’m not, I’m just really ready for it to take off and get just, say a million fans.”

O: “Well, I’m here to help. To the lucky few who haven’t read you blog yet, tell the world: What is it about?”

C: Well… I wish I could say that there was a leitmotif… Life, Love, Fun?? It’s creative writing. Whatever that is. I have a few features: “Ask Cinda” – where people can get wholesome advise, a “Foodie-section” with recipes, a series called “This Really Happened” – and might I add that none of it really happened to ME –  and “ramblings” which is the rest.

O: “So I have to say… You look really great.”

C: “Awww, thank you. You too. Have you lost weight. Again?”

O: No, but YOU lost weight, right? I mean, just the other day, George Clooney called me up and asked me about you.”

C: “He did? What did he say?”

O: “Oh, just how incredibly hot you are and he mentioned a few things he’d like to do to you. I’ll tell you later. So –  I heard on the radio the other day that you swam 30 laps last week – wow – is that true?”

C: “Yes. It’s true.”

O: “This is beyond ridiculous. I’m not participating in any more of this shit!”

C: “Fine, Oprah, just wrap ‘er the hell up then.”

O: “So people can “Like” you on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/cindafckingrella) where you not only post news of new blog posts but also hilarious updates and lots of funny shit stolen directly from others, follow your tweets  (Cindafuckingrel) and of course follow the blog on www.cindafuckingrella.com….  I have to say – it’s been a true joy to have you here today. Thanks for watching……

That’s a motherfucking wrap. Steve, STEVE – turn off that camera. I am O-fucking-prah and I don’t have to put up with this kind of shit. Exploitation! I’m gonn -beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb

…

We’ll be right back after these messages.