My Life With A Very Big Ass

From reading the headline of this entry, you probably think this is going to be about my husband. It isn’t.

It really IS about my substantial derriere.

The other day I was walking down the street and then passed from behind by a guy on a bike. As he passed me, he said: “Nice ass!” Not ironically. Just: “Nice ass!”. Matter-of-factly. (And yes, I looked around and there was not one there but me. It WAS intended for me!)

My gut reaction, my initial response, the first thing I felt then was… I was flattered. I felt complimented.

My next immediate thought was: “What a fucking pervert!”

And how sad is that – that I can’t even take a compliment about my ass without making the giver a perverted assoholic? Maybe MY self- image is just screwed up? Maybe there is nothing wrong with having an ass that looks like a truckload of watermelons?

While a womanly rump has always been an object of worship in most of the southern hemisphere, I grew up in a culture where the focus was on mainly two things:

1. being thin and

2. having big boobies.

So it is interesting to learn, that other cultures actually LIKE a big backside. I never really paid any attention to my butt. Poor ass. Think of all the hard work it did for me. Keeping my legs attached to my upper body. Keeping my pants up. And I sit on it for hours and hours.

So! After giving the concept of being  ‘Bootielicious’  -as Beyonce put it – some thought, I suddenly remembered that people from the Mother Continent seem to like the way I am build. And I was once told that I would cause a stir in Egypt because “Egyptian men like something to hold on to! They will go crazy over YOU!” (Said by a flamboyant gay Middle Eastern man I worked with. He said this at a meeting. He was very excited. Other people were present. I was mortified!)

I once told my African friend about a rather horrid experience I had, picking up my kid from kindergarten. As I was waiting for him to put on his shoes, a small boy with the face of an angle asked me: “Why is you butt so big?” Embarrassed, I pedagogically said: “Well, people are different and that’s okay!” The kid looked blankly at me and asked: “Yeah, but why is you butt so big?”

I was laughing when I told this story to my friend, who then tried to make me feel better by sharing that back in the village where he grew up, young girls would get ready for marriage by being put on a very fattening diet and they would then have a proverbial coming-out ball where all the fat ‘debutants’ would parade through the village with their bare breasts and big rolls of fat and huge asses proudly showing. The fatter they had gotten, the prouder they would be. And the sexier they would be considered. So hey! The fact that you could probably set the table for 12 people to come over for a three-course meal on my hiney makes me a catch in some African countries!

But perhaps we are really standing in front of a ren-ass–ance? In recent years, it seems like the butt is finally getting some of the limelight even in popular culture.

Some attribute the popularity of the derriere in main-stream culture  to Jennifer Lopez who is known for her lovely lady-lumps, while others credit the booty-centric hip hop culture. Remember for instance how the entire world stopped and stared in bewildered awe, as rapper Sir Mix-a-lot took the charts with the song and video “Baby’s got back”, which includes the -priceless! – lyrics, “My anaconda don’t want none, unless you’ve got buns, hun.”

I once worked at a plastic surgeon’s  office where one of my tasks was to sort the before and after pictures. I saw A LOT of silicone boobs. And of all the pictures of butts I saw, none were made bigger – they were all getting liposucked smaller! Today there is a new trend. People are now getting silicone padding in their butts. Like here! (“Aprovado!”)

So from now on, I shall consider myself lucky to be the proud owner of a healthy butt.

So thank you ass, I appreciate your contribution over the years, and will make an effort to recognize how truly assalicious you are.