Hi cruel world,

It has been a while since my last written post. I am kindda’ depressed. And very happy at the same time. I’ll walk you through it:

The depression is due to the fact that it is still winter, going on what feels like 23 months of grey, cold, wet, icky weather and snot noses and oh – I just got tonsillitis and am now on penicillin. People in Denmark, where I live, really look like shit by now. Everyone’s got vitamin D-deficiency and look like they’re about to die.

Also, I am depressed about the fact that I don’t have a job. I thought it would be crystal clear to me what I really wanted to do by now, so I could apply my go-get-’em-personality and zesty assertiveness but I’m still really vague and sad about anything to do with getting a job. It’s just a big blob of puss-filled hurt. Still! I mean, get over it!

This leads us to the battle between my self images. One the one hand, I most often feel like I am – if not THE funniest and/or smartest person in the room, then I’m at least on a top 3. Well. Depending on how many people are in the room. This perhaps… slightly… bloated… self image REALLY collides with the fact that I’m not really getting anywhere with the whole getting headhunted-thing.

I once read that the guy, who founded Kentucky Fried Chicken went around to try and sell his recipe and he got 1000 no’s before he finally got a yes. And every NO just made him even more confident that he was on the right track and would succeed in the end. (Is it me or does that guy sound like a date-rapist? SHE SAID NO! “Well, I took it for a yes!”) Well, I am not one of those people, who are motivated by adversity. I am motivated by people telling me how cleaver I am. “What a good girl!” WOW, great job! That’s amazing.

I am the Lise Simpson of the unemployed: GRADE ME, already!!!

So all that is pretty bleak and sad and fucked-up.

But then there are the joys. Oh, the joys.

I just had such a lovely day yesterday, despite the tonsillitis. There are many, many days where I think, as I get into bed, “Did I scar my kids for life today?” “Did I fuck them up irrevocably?” Yesterday was not one of those days. Amongst the many really stellar moments, was when I quietly observed my two-year old sitting on the couch, cuddling with my scarf, smelling it and saying quietly to himself “I love you mommy”. I was sitting across the room and just happened to see this but that – right there – was me getting headhunted as I was accepting the new Oscar-Pulizer-Nobel-award for outstanding-ness in the field of excellence.

Later, as we were playing around while brushing teeth, I managed to give the two year old the hiccups and make the six-year old pee his pants because they were both laughing so hard. A quick shower later, the 6-year old fell asleep in my arms while cuddling and I whispered into his ear: “Fell, how you are loved”. He felt it. I felt it.

Oh, life. Filled with such contradictory feelings.

How is your life going?





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6 Responses to Schizoid Ramblings From a Non-Headhuntee

  1. Wabbit says:

    “…my two-year old sitting on the couch, cuddling with my scarf, smelling it and saying quietly to himself “I love you mommy”.

    Do yourself a favor and preserve that moment. Every thing about it…from the missing sock on his foot, to the cat looking down from the sofa’s back. Don’t forget whether there was hair in his face or grape jelly on his chin. Write it all down in your journal. Then dog-ear or otherwise tag the page. Then, the next time you’re down and really want to know why you’re doing all this and need the perk that only such a moment can give you, it’s there for you. You may think you’ll remember the delicate aroma of the peanut butter on his breath forever, but life hands us oh-so-many more moments (highs and lows) that crowd our memories. This is one that you don’t want to fall behind proverbial couch. It will restore your soul in the darkest moments.

    Then go out and buy some supplemental vitamin D to keep you until the sun comes out.

  2. Cindafuckingrella says:

    Hi Wabs,
    Thanks for the advice.
    We’re taking all the vitamins we can. Finally decided to swallow the big pill and bought us a week in Egypt. Leaving in less than a month. Got the house/cat-sitter and everything.
    THEN we’ll get some sun! 🙂

  3. Marguerite says:

    The first part of this was like looking in the mirror! I’m just about to come off maternity leave and we’ve since moved countries, so I’m REALLY not looking forward to my upcoming job hunt. I’m also a total positive-reinforcement junkie, so Mr. KFC man is totally beyond my understanding.

    • Cindafuckingrella says:

      Well, Marguerite (what a beautiful name!) I always find comfort in the fact that no matter what my situation is, I am not alone in it. So I am happy to learn that you can relate. Good luck with the job hunt. Knock their socks off!!

  4. I quietly observed my two-year old sitting on the couch, cuddling with my scarf, smelling it and saying quietly to himself “I love you mommy”.

    This is just lovely.

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