Ah, people with kids. Don’t you love them?

Now, while mothers are different, I’ve noticed a few similarities. Within a spectrum, but still.

First the woman gets pregnant. If it is her first pregnancy, she reads a lot of books about pregnancy and talks a a lot about how she feels, how far along she is, how big the baby is now and stuff like that. Sometimes she’ll get into the discomforts of pregnancy. Depending on your closeness to her (or how close SHE feels you are – Lord Have Mercy) she’ll tell you about how her bowl movements have completely stopped, about the hemorrhoids, the nausea and about being incredibly horny all the time. Or not at all. Either way, she tells you about it.

Then – with God’s grace – she gives birth. To any interested audience – usually women (men tend to just up and leave and rightfully so)  she will tell you about the birth, describe it’s progress hour by hour until the cutiepie finally arrived. Then she’ll talk about the stitches, the difficulties nursing, taking or not taking a pacifier (my personal specialty) and to the particularly inaugurated, she’ll tell you about the baby’s poop. The consistency, color, frequency and whether or not it was followed by gas, crying or simply satisfied sleep. Then there is the sleep. The patterns, the rhythm, the deprivation.

Then the baby starts crawling and we hear all about it. There is the sitting, the rolling, the first tooth (including a chapter on teething, fever and the red bottoms that mysteriously follow teething), the first steps and the first words. Then the cutiepie starts talking and he says the FUNNIEST things. You are fortunate to be a part of this woman’s life because she shares all this with you.

Then one day, you call her and have this conversation:

You: “Hey, it’s me. Just wanted to say hi..”

Mom: “Hey, sweetie. Long time, no see. How ARE you?”

You: “Well, actually..”

Mom: “Wait, the baby wants to talk to you!”

You: “Oh, ok?!”

Baby: “..:”

You, babyvoice: “Hi, Kendra. How are you?”

Baby: “…”

You: “Are you a little cutiepie, huh? Are you?”

Baby: “…”

You: “Did you make you mother a big present in your diaper the other day, huh? She told about it…”

Baby: “…”

You: “…”

Mom: “She’s really listening!! She just gave you the biggest smile!”

You: “Aww, sweet. So, how are YOU doing?”

Mom: “No, wait, she wants to say something…”

Baby: “…”

It goes on.

Then, a few years later, you have THIS conversation:


You: “Hey, it’s me. Just wanted to say hi..”

Mom: “Hey, sweetie. Long time, no see. How ARE you?”

You: “Well, actually..”


You: “…”

Mom: “Sorry, Jayden is… JAYDEN! PUT THE CAT DOWN! Sorry, what were you saying?”

You: “Well, actually, I think my boss..”


You: “…”

Mom: “Your boss what?”

You: “Is this a bad time?”

Mom: “No, Jayden is just in this phase where he thinks the cat is his personal luggage. Sorry, sweetie. So what about your boss?”

You: “Well, I went to a meeting the other day and my boss was there too. I had this big presentation and was really nervous … – What’s going on?”

Loud noise. Sound of water running. Sound of dishes being handled.

Mom: “Oh, I’m just doing the dishes while we talk. Multitasking, you know. So how did your presentation go?”

You: “It went fine but my boss…”


You: “…”



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5 Responses to I Just Called. To Say. I Lov.. PUT THAT DOWN!

  1. Wabbit says:

    Me: “…”


  2. Lilja Sif says:

    I am so fortunate, that most all of my friends (awesome as they are!) did not get the almost mandatory lobotomy that usually follows pregnancy, and have kept their personalities, and their sense of “what might the other people in this room want to talk about?”

    But ofcourse there are the exceptions. Like the one that stopped all conversation in a group of friends one night when she was carrying her first born and said with a sugary voice and a dreamy smile: “girls…. I’m carrying TWO hearts”.

    … that just sounds like you’re Snow white’s huntsman.

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