“The Keys to a Good Marriage” or “The Man Who Could Never Find Anything”

At our house, ever so often, this scene plays out, like a bad movie:

Fade in:

Panorama of living room.

Zoom in on Wife reading quietly in sofa, licking her finger before turning the page.

Enter: Husband. He walks about as if searching something.

Wife looks up at him, smiles, then looks back at her book.

Husband picks up various things and looks underneath while scanning the room.

His search turns a bit more aggressive. He cusses under his breath.

Wife looks up: ”Everything ok, honey?”
Husband: ”I can’t find my keys!”
Wife: ”Have you checked the top of the drawer?”
Husband, annoyed: ”Yes, OF COURSE, that’s the first place I looked!”
Wife: ”Well, when did you last have them?”
Husband: ”This morning! Are you going to help me look?”

Wife gets up and starts looking around. She goes trough the pockets of his jacket, hanging on the coat hanger.

Husband now visibly agitated. His search turns more and more frantic; he picks up things aggressively and sets them down hard.

Wife goes to drawer and picks up keys.

End of scene. Fade out.

This scene plays out about 5 times a day at our house. Sometimes it is his keys, sometimes it is his cellphone, sometimes it is his wallet, sometimes it is his glasses and sometimes the list could go on and on…

He is not a stupid man. Au contraire. He has one of the most brilliant minds I’ve ever met with an extraordinary knowledge of languages, politics, history, geography and current events. He has an outstanding academic record with two master’s degrees and a Ph.D. He has a sharp wit, a delightful sense of humor and general amazing cognitive skills. I am not saying all of this to brag about him (he has a tiny penis) but simply to establish, that there is nothing the matter with his mind – except that he can never find anything.

Since numerous incidents where he spent hours searching for something that was sitting right there on the counter – in plain sight – I began noticing this behavior in other. Well… Men.

My  (not scientifically reliable – but still ) empirical studies and observational field work shows, interestingly, that when men cannot find things, they usually explain this with one of four reasons (or a combination) – please see my comments below:

1.    It was not in its PLACE.

2.    It wasn’t where I expected it to be.

3.    You must have moved it.

4.    WHY IS THIS HOUSE SO GODDAMN MESSY?

Regarding point 1:

Nooo, it was two inches to the left of its “place” or hiding under a newspaper that you had to move in order to find it. Now we know why Superman had X-ray vision – lucky Lois Lane, who didn’t have to put up with this shit!

Regarding point 2:

Well. Duh! If it had been there, it would not have been lost, now would it?

Regarding point 3:

Yes. It is all part of an evil scheme to drive you insane. And we’re all in on it.

Regarding point 4:

Deal. With. It.

And I can see where this is going. The other day, my two year old was in the tub and he asked me to get his boat.

Him: Mommy – find boat!
Me, lazy: Honey, I already looked. I can’t find it.
Him, looking directly into my eyes: Try harder.

I am creating a monster.

…….

PS.

My husband has asked that I henceforth refrain from attempting to score a cheap laugh by referring to his penis as ”tiny”. I hereby apologize to him and all of those I might have offended. Let it be known once and for all: His penis is HUUUGE.

PPS.

My husband has asked me that I not refer to his penis as HUUUGE because it sounds obviously ironic and because it seems to simply confirm the first story, that his penis is tiny. I hereby apologize to him and all of those I might have offended. I will not mention his penis again.

Someone might actually read this.