I have this pair of jeans that I wore when I was.. younger… well….thinner. They REALLY don’t fit me now. I think the other only time the fit me WORSE, I was 10 centimeters dilated and getting ready to push. I still keep them, though. In a sad little bag way in the back of my closet. Hoping that one day, I’ll miraculously fit them again.
All odds are against me, though. With age, metabolism slows down, the fat cells will always strive to get back to their biggest and my not- so- skinny-genes work against me. I read that 5 % of the people who mange to loose weight has kept it off after two years. Which means that 95 % regained the lost weight – many with a little extra added. The battle against the pudge is almost lost in advance.
And then the other day I laughed really long and hard when I heard someone say: “When I was young, I just wanted to be taken seriously but everyone just wanted to fuck me. Now I am older and everyone takes me very seriously and I just want to be fucked!”
And after I had stopped laughing I recognized that same tendency in myself – never to be content with what is. And I thought – with the immortal words of Jack Nicholson – “What if this really is a good as it gets?”
When I look at old pictures of myself I am often surprised at how I looked. As a teenager, I was never skinny but I was pretty. In a homely sort of way, granted, but still. I spent so much time regretting not being one of the skinny/pretty girls. Judging myself for it. Do I really want to continue this pattern, so that if in 10 years, I’ll look at pictures of me as I look today and think: Why, oh why didn’t I enjoy it all some more and stop hating myself for not being perfect?
So this is me abdicating. I will no longer be Queen of Self-Loathing. I am going to be nicer to myself. And I am going to speak nicer to myself. Be accepting.
And perhaps I’ll get someone who can sow to help me alter the skinny jeans. Might make a nice summer hat?
Might I add, that MY skinny-jeans were never THIS skinny??….
Jeez, girls, go all out and have the full meal of a Tic Tac will ya’?
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Good for you! We do waste too much time trying to be something else and crippling our self-esteems in the process. There is so much more to you than the size of your jeans (I don’t seem to get away from an unintended pun here…sorry!). You deserve the pleasure of focusing on and patting yourself on the back for being a person of true inner beauty and substance.
Oh, Wabbit – you are such a treat. Your comments are always filled with love and encouragement expressed with such poetic gracefulness.
Everyone should have a Wabbit! Wabbit to the people!
I am sending you cosmic love, peace and harmony. And the check is in the mail.
😉
– Cinda
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