Dear Cinda. Should I Have A Child?

Off to a flying start!!

Only a few hours after posting our new feature: “Ask Cinda!!”, I had my first mail from a reader, who asks a tough question. I have been pounding away ever since – as the sailor told the nun.

So without further a-doo: Our first “Ask Cinda!!”

Dear Cinda,

Thanks for a wonderful blog.

My dilemma is this- in brief: Should I have a child? I am 32 years old and in a healthy relationship. He’s fine either way, very committed to me and says that it is my decision to make.

Looking forward to an answer.

Signed,

” Ms. Tick-Tock”

Dear ”Ms. Tick-Tock”,

Well, that’s a biggie. Should you have a child? It is not an easy question to answer.

When I have a dilemma, I like to make myself a pro/con-list.

Off the top of my head, here is what a Pro/Con Baby-list could look like:

CON:

1. You body will never be the same. Stretchmarks, haemorrhoids, loss of muscle-mass, loose skin and saggy boobs. And that doesn’t just happen to the man – this goes for women too. Now, you body is deteriorating rapidly once you hit 30 anyway but growing a new person and pushing something the size of a watermelon out something the size of a garden hose takes its toll. Believe you me!
2. They take over your life completely. Your life is not yours anymore. They are like little asshole-dictators that run your life. They wake you up at night, they boss you around, they cost a fortune and they suck the life out of you. With not so much as a single word of appreciation or any gratitude whatsoever. They take it all completely for granted. And that is nature’s order. The only thing – ONLY thing – you can say in return is this: ”I hope you one day have children of your own”. As your own parents have told you yourself many times.
3. You will never stop worrying. They can get sick, bullied or – God  forbid – die. And it never ends. Even a fat, 50-year old used-car salesman named ”Vernon” who has a comb-over that looks like a rodent went to sleep on his forehead, wears gold chains over a hairy chest and secretly sports a perverted black lace-thong has a mother, who worries about him and loves him and remembers how cute he was, when he was 2.
4. It is expensive. The amount of crap you need these days to keep one of those little ones afloat is not a little. Just taking a quiet stroll around the block requires approximately the same amount of equipment as a rugby team traveling via dog sleight across Alaska. Then, when they grow out of the diapers and dinkies and onzies and other ridicules-sounding words, they need Nintendos. Or ponies.
5. Your relationship will never be the same. Even if you should want to have sex with your husband or boyfriend again a couple of years or so after the baby was born, it isn’t likely that you will. The only thing you want is sleep. If Denzel Washington showed up only wearing baby-oil and a hard-on and with a voice hoarse with lust offered you his services, I swear, you initial response would be: ”Great, could you watch the kids, while I take a nap?”
6. Once you have a child with someone, they are in your life forever. So you are in love and want this beautiful love to manifest in a wonderful little person. “Partly me, partly you”. Then, as the years go by and the father to your child turns out to be a worthless drip, whose ass you soon kick to the curb – he is still there in your life. He is the father. He will ALWAYS be a part of your life. Even if you should never see him again, he is still in your life.
7. You can’t control them. When your kid comes home with his first tattoo and a girlfriend  whose numerologist told her to switch from ”Brittney” to ”Chrrystahllah”, who is as dumb as her implants are huge, you just have to suck it up. So he didn’t become a (insert your own wasted dreams here) and you can’t do shit about it. You kids WILL disappoint you! Just as you disappointed your parents.
8. The world is over-populated as it is. Well. It is.

PRO:

1. Having a child is a life-altering experience. The physical and emotional extremes you go through is like nothing else. You can’t know what it is like until you have tried it.  When having a child, you become a member of a club of women (well, and men!), who have had the same experience. As a woman – giving birth – it goes back to your mother and her mother and her mother before that, back in time. It is mind boggling and humbling to think of all the people, who came before your child. The lives without whom, YOUR child would not be. My mother recently found an old picture of my grandfarther’s brother at age 2, and he is the spitting image of my 2-year old. There is something quite beautiful about that continuity, I think.
2. The love is overwhelming. If you are like most people, you will love your offspring a lot. That is the way nature intended it and even though it might not be a Hollywood kind of ”love at first sight”, you can generally expect to grow to love the little bugger above all else. I once read an article about a woman, whose daughter died. During the horrendous emotional aftermath, the mother was deeply depressed and one day it hit her: Would I trade all this pain and misery in for not having known her (the daughter)? The answer was NO. She would do it all over. That says something, I think.
3. They will crack you up. Kids are fun! As they go through different stages in life, you yourself are taken back to that time. You remember what it was like to play and explore and discover. Also, for a long period of time, you can fart freely and then go: “Do you have something in your diaper?” and look sternly at the kid. (Note: If your primary goal with having a child is to have someone to blame farts on, I might suggest a dog. They are cheaper and easier to care for plus they have the advantages that you can give them away if you don’t want them anymore.)
4. It is fascinating to have created life. There is a godliness to having brought life into the world. And to have a person who looks like you. Only cuter.
5. They grow up so fast! Yes, it is hard work, particularly the first but trust me – it will all be over before you know it.
6. They move focus away from yourself. When you have a child, you are no longer the most important thing in the world. They are. And I think there is something healthy about that – you grow as a person.
7. Here’s your chance at making a a good person: When I look at the news, I almost can’t believe I brought people into this world. But then I think that my job is to raise my children so that they will be good men. Good men to help outweigh all the bad shit that goes on in the world.
8. No one will look at you like your kid does. Your kid will love you like you have never been loved before. They will look at you with such love. In the beginning. Already when they turn 5-or so, they will start rolling their eyes at you and when they turn 16, they will hate you a little bit. S’a’right. You’ll love them no matter what. And it is fascinating being a witness to someone growing up.

If you are like me and your (possible – future) children are like mine, they will push you to be the ugliest, you’ve ever been. They’ll make you say horrid things, think ugly thoughts and behave in a totally unacceptable manner. (Wait!  – Are we still talking about kids, ‘cuz this sounds like the effects my husband has on me??..)

Personally, it is one of the best things I ever did. But I also know some people who -eyes wide open on what they are missing out on and what they are gaining in return  – say that having children is not for them. They have my deepest respect!

You are thus left to making your own decision. What would YOUR pro/con list look like – perhaps make one for yourself?